Please Don’t “Just” Me: What Dismissive Advice Misses About Real Struggles

If you’ve ever been told to “just pray more,” you’re not alone. Learn why dismissive advice adds shame, and what Christlike empathy looks like instead.

I’ve lived with chronic insomnia for nearly six years now. (You can read more about that journey here: What Six Years of Insomnia Has Taught Me About God, Grief, and Living on Empty)

It’s not the kind where you occasionally toss and turn or wake up a little earlier than planned. It has given me more 20-minute nights of sleep than I care to count. It’s the kind that is unceasingly, unwantingly present with no diagnosis, answers, or end date.

And along the way, I’ve heard a lot of well-meaning advice.

“Just pray more boldly.”
“Just believe harder that God can heal you.”
“Just take magnesium. That worked for me.”
“Just try this oil/supplement/mattress my cousin swears by.”

I know those words are meant to help.

But they don’t.

Because when you’re living in the middle of a long, hard season, there are no easy fixes…and there are definitely no “justs.”

Why “Just” Feels So Dismissive

When someone says “just,” it’s usually intended as encouragement – to simplify things, to make them feel more manageable.

But when you’re hurting, struggling, or battling something deeply complex (like chronic illness, grief, anxiety, or any number of unseen challenges), that little word can leave quite a sting.

“Just” minimizes. It shortcuts compassion. It skips past your lived experience and replaces it with a solution.

And instead of helping, it often leaves you feeling like your pain is inconvenient or your experience is wrong.

It’s subtle, but powerful:

“Just trust God” can make you feel like your faith isn’t strong enough, even if it is.
“Just believe harder” can make you feel like you’re to blame for not being healed.
“Just be thankful” can make you feel guilty for even naming your struggle.

And when those messages pile up, they create something heavy: shame.

You start to wonder, Am I doing this wrong?
Shouldn’t I be stronger?
Maybe if I had more faith, I wouldn’t be here.

But that’s not what Jesus says.

What Empathy Actually Looks Like

Jesus never “justs” people.

He doesn’t tell the woman at the well to “just get over her shame.” (John 4)
He doesn’t tell Mary and Martha to “just be patient” while they mourn their brother. (John 11)
He doesn’t tell the bleeding woman to “just believe harder.” (Matthew 9, Mark 5, Luke 8)

Instead, He enters their pain. He listens. He sees. He responds with compassion.

Real empathy doesn’t rush to solve or simplify. It sits with. It honors. It walks alongside.

Romans 12:15 tells us to “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.” That’s not passive. That’s presence. That’s Jesus-like love.

If You’ve Been “Just”ed

If someone has minimized your struggle with a “just,” and you’ve walked away feeling unseen or ashamed, I want to say this clearly:

You’re not doing it wrong.
Your faith is not lacking.
You are not too much. (make sure to read -> When You Feel Like You’re Too Much: Why Your Emotions Might Be a Gift, Not a Problem)

Hard things don’t need quick fixes.
They need to be met with real presence, patient compassion, and the reminder that Jesus is still with you. Not waiting for you at the tidy end of your struggle, but in the midst of all of the messy, hard, desperate, imperfect moments.

You’re allowed to be exhausted and still be faithful.
You’re allowed to have questions and still love God deeply.
You’re allowed to struggle, even when others don’t fully see you in it or understand why. (Thankfully, we have El Roi, the God who sees us)

What to Say Instead

If you’re supporting someone through a hard time, try this instead of “just”:

“That sounds really hard. Tell me more about what that’s like for you.”
“I don’t have answers, but I’m with you.”
“Can I pray for you right now?”
“How can I support you in this right now?”

You don’t have to fix it. But showing up, being present, with compassionate curiosity, is a powerful way to help someone feel seen, known, and supported in hard seasons.

Because That’s What Jesus Does

He doesn’t skip to the end of the story.
He walks with us through the whole journey.

And when we reflect that kind of presence in our relationships….one that doesn’t minimize, shame, or rush…we offer powerful, rare, and Christlike love.

Let’s be those people.