I Will Always Be The Fat Kid
We were at the movie theater the other night seeing Man of Steel. We had settled into our seats, the lights had been lowered, the previews had started, and I was sitting there with a tray of nachos on my lap, when all of a sudden, I heard The Fat Kid talking to me.
TFK – “Eat faster! It looks like he is going to reach for a chip and you need to savor all of these! You don’t get nachos very often, so eat as much as you can!”
Me – “I really don’t want to eat faster. I like to actually enjoy and taste my food as I eat it. And, sharing is caring. If I am still desperate for more nachos after this tray, he will buy me more. I think I can spare one. Actually, I’m kind of getting full anyways.”
TFK – “Are you kidding me? The tray is still half full! That’s not how we do it here in the Clean Plates Club. You don’t know when you’ll be able to eat these again. Who cares if you’re full? Keep eating! Enjoy every bite you can!”
In the end, I did let him have a chip. Then a few more. Then, I handed him the rest of the tray, because I really was full.
Sometimes I can overrule the voice, but The Fat Kid is always there. There’s always an inner battle when it comes to food. I’m not really an emotional eater, I’m more of a nostalgic eater. If I can remember a time that a food tasted really good, then I will crave mass quantities of that food. The mass quantities thing is kind of an important part of my story.
When I was a kid, my mom pushed healthy foods and really limited the junk food. Now, I was a very overweight kid. She was doing exactly what she should have been doing. And, by “really limited,” I mean she would cut us off at one serving of chips with our sandwiches, while strongly encouraging more grapes or baby carrots instead.
As a result, I started sneaking food. It was my forbidden fruit. I would wait until everyone was asleep, creep into the kitchen, grab a box of Little Debbie Nutter Bars or fruit snacks, then take it back to my room, quietly open the wrappers, and eat the entire box in one sitting in the safe solitude of my bed.
That mentality still exists today. I have a healthy BMI. My t-shirt size is medium. I run. But, The Fat Kid is still there.
She pipes up every time someone wants to share a food I really like. I could buy an unlimited amount of whatever food I please, but that Fat Kid still wants to hoard every morsel on my plate every time he asks for a bite.
She is the voice inside my head that tells me that one package of fruit snacks is not enough. Remember that time you opened 5 pouches into your hand and ate them all at once and they tasted so good? Let’s do that again.
She is the one that whispers to me that everyone else is counting the calories in every bite I take, so I better eat less in front of people and raid the fridge after they all leave.
She doesn’t like salad unless it’s topped with fried chicken, she believes french fries are a mandatory part of every fast food order, and she wishes every water fountain dispensed Kool Aid and every restaurant offered a buffet. And meatless meals? Don’t even get her started.
It’s just one of those things that is always there. She’s the horned (and double chinned) Jiminy Cricket on my shoulder.
Most of the time, it’s just about learning to recognize her voice these days.
If I hear her urging me to finish the candy bar when I’m full, I’ll wrap the rest up for later.
If she’s whispering that vegetables *scoff* don’t make a meal, I go meatless that night.
If she says I need a piece of cake after dinner, I stick with a piece of fruit for dessert.
This journey that I’m on with food, it’s not about wishing food would just disappear so I wouldn’t have to deal with these issues. It’s about self-control, self-esteem, and self-empowerment. Notice all the “self”s there?
Though food and The Fat Kid are always there, they don’t make my decisions.
I do.
This journey that I’m on with food, and really everything else in life, is about finding me.
I eat the food I like and (for the most part) I balance the not-so-healthy choices with fruits and vegetables and whole grains. And I like fruit and vegetables and whole grains. There is no forbidden food, so the desire to splurge isn’t as strong, because there’s just no reason to binge when I’m already eating the foods I enjoy.
I am the sausage-loving, avocado-speaking (what, you don’t speak avocado?), quinoa-bite-baking, 5k runner with a sweet tooth that has learned to recognize the feeling of full before it reaches stuffed.
The Fat Kid will always be there, inside of me, but now we coexist.
Even though she sometimes still needs a carrot stick shoved into her mouth.
Just because you are tempted doesn’t mean you have to give in. There is ALWAYS a way out. It may not be the most obvious choice or the one that sounds best at the time, but don’t let your feelings dictate your decisions. Look for the way out, and use it.
You can do it, one decision at a time.
Do you let the Fat Kid inside of you determine your decisions when it comes to food? (You’re not alone if you do) Have you had an opportunity to shut down her voice and make a better choice?
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I don’t know! <3 you back!
It is so nice to hear that I’m not the only one that still struggles with food temptations! It definitely is a long journey. So happy to hear from you!
That is absolutely the way I look at things. Thanks, Amy!
How did I miss this post?!! Makes me love you even more!
Thank you for this post. I too was a fat kid and although now I’m also a size medium, eat healthy and nutritious meals, and am happy with my body, I still always have the urge to binge, to finish the bag or box, to look forward to nights when my husband is out to “treat myself” by overeating, etc. It’s becoming easier, but it’s definitely a long journey. Glad to hear your experiences as well!
I loved this and can totally relate! I too, once was and continue to have daily discourse with…The Fat Kid. When I find myself going back for a second secret serving of ice cream, I know it’s time to reign her in for the day. As I often remind myself, just because it’s there doesn’t mean that I HAVE to eat it. 🙂 Keep up the good fight. You’re rocking it!
I wish I knew how you overcame the fat kid voice! I still give in and eat 3 lbs of gummy bears instead of a few carrot sticks. The only other voice I ever hear is the guilt-trip voice: You know eating this will make you fat; why do you always make such bad choices; how do you expect to lose weight if you eat this… You get the picture. Congrats on how far you come and looking amazing! You go girl.
Thanks, Jenny! I bet you’re more disciplined than you give yourself credit for. 😉
Thank you so much for commenting, Chloe. And you can absolutely do it! My husband has been invaluable in this process with the one technique that I never would have expected to work – he lets me have whatever I want! It gave me this freedom with food that I’d never known. It’s taken me years to understand how he can so easily offer to share his favorite foods with me…and I’m finally learning to reciprocate.
I’m cheering you on!
Thank you so much, LuAnn! It definitely feels good when I “win” by following through with the right decisions!
I can very much relate to this story. Though, I’m not as disciplined as you are. Keep inspiring… Your blog looks great!
thank you for sharing your story!
Congrats to you for being so strong and embracing the fact that she will always be there.
I, too am battling the inner fat kid. i am the same weight now as I was when I was in primary school – and am hoping that I can be like you and learn to coexist with her! (without eating 3 blocks of chocolate!)
Thanks, RMY! And, I’ve heard that about baby carrots, but I read a Snopes article that explained the difference between baby carrots (“very young carrots that are harvested while the vegetables are still quite tiny”) and baby-cut carrots (“petite carrots made by chopping down and polishing much larger versions of the vegetable”). So, the ones that you’re talking about are actually baby-cut carrots! I do regularly buy the real ones, too. 😉
Thanks, Addie! I’m glad we met, too! Next year’s conference is too far away!
Oh, I completely agree with you, Terri! Fried foods call me VERY loudly!
I agree! Or they should at least take a vacation together every once and a while, right?
Thanks for your sweet words, P!
Wow, Becky! I had no idea that battle was being fought & won!! Good job! You look great & I am sure, feel great for waging that internal war!
So very proud of you… Think STEEL Power since you really are, STEEL POWER BECKY… and btw, don’t buy baby carrot any more… there is no real baby carrots, they are the deformed, mis-happed carrot that the grocer bought in bulk, cheaply, then made into small size to get your money… Buy the real one that still have the green at the top… Eat real carrot like a real Bunny…
This is such a great post, Becky! It’s amazing to see your journey and see how you’re growing over time. I’m so glad we met at BlogHer Food and became friends!! 🙂
This is something I fight with, too. I’m a healthy weight, exercise often and still battle food every day. I agree with you – no forbidden foods, but wow, some call me more than others. Thanks for the honesty.
Go you, thumping that “horned (and double chinned) Jiminy Cricket” off your shoulder!
And go you for telling your story! My size-six-way-too-skinny-for-5’10”-Jiminy-Cricket regularly gets the thump from me; we’re constantly at war over eating. I think both of them (yours and mine) need to find a happy place to go live together and leave us alone! *wink* P~