The Difference Between Guilt & Shame

What is the difference between guilt and shame? Let’s look at what guilt looks like from a Christian perspective and see when it crosses the line into shame.

For years, I’ve thought guilt is all bad.

I’ve believed that God is not a God of guilt because He’s a God of grace. And, without a doubt, He is a God of grace, but let’s dive a little bit deeper into what guilt is (and is not) and when it crosses the line and becomes shame.

What Is Guilt? What Does It Look Like?

One of my son’s children books defines guilt as, “when you know you’ve done something wrong and you feel bad about it.”

Guilt is a tool that helps to guide our behavior and draw us to good things for ourselves and others. It helps us navigate through right and wrong.

When we know without a doubt that something we just did was good and godly, guilt doesn’t follow!

On the other hand, when we mess up, guilt our instant companion, like a warning light on your car that doesn’t go off until you fix the problem.

You just binged and ate an entire pizza by yourself?

Guilt.

You just snapped those angry, pointed words to your husband that you know were over the line?

Guilt.

You watched someone being mistreated and stayed silent when you knew you should have said something?

Guilt.

Sometimes guilt is misplaced, but for the most part, it is really helpful in letting you know, Hey, that thing you just did? That was not a good choice. Next time, choose differently.

It’s just a sensor to let you know that it would be a good idea to change that behavior in the future.

Notice that guilt is focused on the behavior.

It’s about giving you information to help guide your choices and draw you toward health and growth in the Fruit of the Spirit, your relationships, your body, your emotions, and more.

But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you.
– John 14:26

The Holy Spirit is your Helper, Comfortor, Advocate, and Counselor. Partnering with Him helps to point us back to Jesus in all situations.

What Is Shame?

Sometimes, though, those good, helpful warning lights can start as guilt, but can very easily morph into shame.

Shame isn’t about guiding your behavior or helping you grow and overcome your mistakes.

Shame attacks your identity.

It doesn’t tell you, That was a bad choice. Shame tells you, You are a bad person.

Shame does not heal or grow your relationships. It attacks and isolates you, drawing you away from relationships with lies and insecurities.

It doesn’t focus on the behavior and encourage you to choose differently, shame goes after your character and tries to convince you that something about you is fundamentally broken and there is no way to repair it.

Shame steals hope instead of guiding you toward solution and repair.

Shame’s goal is to break you down, discourage you, shake your identity in Christ, and keep you stuck where you are.

When you eat the whole pizza, shame tells you you’re fat. (I talk about listening for God’s voice in emotional eating here)

When you say those angry words to your husband, shame tells you you’re a terrible wife.

When you stayed quiet and watched some kind of mistreatment, shame tells you you’re a coward.

How To Prevent Guilt From Becoming Shame

1 – Recognize guilt and be responsive to its warnings.

Often, it’s easier to ignore when uncomfortable feelings of guilt creep in. It’s easier to minimize our mistakes than take responsibility and take action to repair them.

But ignoring the guilt is one way for it to continue to intensify and then morph into shame.

Pay attention to the guilt and let it help you figure out those daily life decisions (along with a lot of prayer!).

Helpful questions to ask here:

What’s the next best choice you can make here? Is there something you need to say or do to take responsibility for your mistake? Do you need to ask forgiveness from God or others?

2 – Remember & stand firm your identity in Christ.

When it comes to your identity in Christ, that is a part of your core identity that cannot be shaken (here are some of the many Bible verses that describe your identity in Christ).

You are a child of God and no mistake you make is big enough to change that, so don’t allow shame to define your identity.

You were not created to be perfect. You were created to need a Savior.

Scripture doesn’t instruct us to minimize or overcome our own mistakes. It invites us to lean into an Almighty, loving God whose “power is made perfect in weakness.”

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

– 2 Corinthians 12:9

3 – Continually Renew Your Mind

Spend regular time with the Lord, meditating on His Word (here are some Bible verses on renewing your mind), taking your thoughts captive, and asking Him for His guidance in prayer.

I use this Identity In Christ Prayer Journal regularly in my morning quiet times to recognize lies, take thoughts captive, and root my identity in Him.

4 – Reach Out For Extra Support

Shame thrives in darkness and isolation. It can be really difficult to recognize when shame is creeping in without outside perspective.

Reach out to your support system (or start building a support system now!) – friends, family, counselors or therapists, pastors, Bible study leaders, or whoever is in your life who is a safe place for you.

Talk to them about things you are struggling with. Ask for help where you need it. Process your emotions with them (this can help guide you in processing your emotions).

I read a quote recently that said, “shame dies when we tell our story in safe places.” I’ve experienced just that again and again in my closest friendships and I pray you do, as well.

Real, vulnerable, deep relationships are not common these days, but they are possible. I pray you experience that, too.