Emotional Abuse In A Christian Marriage
If you or someone you know is experiencing emotional abuse in a Christian marriage, these truths helped me find strength and break free. They can help you too.
I don’t write about my first marriage very often because most of my posts here are focused on health, food, faith, and weight loss, but my experience with emotional abuse was actually very tied to my 100-pound weight loss journey.
I entered into my first marriage with very low self-esteem. I had been an obese kid and teenager and had experienced quite a bit of bullying. I was a people-pleaser and desperate for people to like me. I had lost a lot of the weight by the time I met my first husband, but, contrary to popular belief, getting to your goal weight doesn’t instantly restore your confidence and fix your body image issues.
Entering any relationship with low self-esteem is a dangerous thing.
The man I married was a charmer.
He said all of the right things and made me feel so loved, desired, and cherished, which is dreamy for a girl who was always the fat kid…but that dream didn’t last for long.
I was in an abusive marriage for 6 years, which means I could fill a book series of all of the examples of verbal, emotional, and spiritual abuse I experienced during that season.
Here is just a taste of the emotional abuse from my marriage (this is an entry from my journal) and some encouragement to those going through anything similar in their own marriages.
I had just caught him in yet another emotional affair. I believed he had cheated on me physically too, but I had no proof at the time. What I did have was our phone bill proving that he had lied to me dozens of times that month with made-up excuses to leave the house to call her for hours at a time, along with pages of hidden texts and emails.
I confronted him with the proof and, in a split second, his anger became explosive. The cursing and screaming began and continued for hours, regardless of my response. Suddenly, all of his dishonest, unfaithful actions became my fault. He threatened divorce more times than I count can, skillfully reminding me of how he had the power to destroy my greatest dreams in life (it was my deep desire to become a stay-at-home mom that took the biggest hit).
He was always careful not to lay a hand on me. Instead, he threw his phone at my head and it shattered just inches away from me when it struck the wall. That night, he didn’t sleep. He slammed his clenched fist against my pillow every 15 minutes like clock-work, just next to my head, to make sure I stayed awake and afraid all night long.
And I did.
In my case, I chose to get a divorce and, years later, I am happily re-married to a wonderful man who is kind, gentle, and loving.
The abuse of my last marriage feels both distant (like another lifetime), and also so incredibly familiar.
I can be having the best day and still be triggered by the smallest thing that will take me back to that dark time and I feel the pain and the shame all over again.
What Is Emotional Abuse, Anyways?
I had never even heard of “emotional abuse” or “verbal abuse” when I first got married and didn’t actually use that term to describe my marriage until about the time I was getting divorced.
It seemed like such a harsh and drastic word to describe what I was going through and for years I fought against its truth.
I knew that abuse existed, of course, but in my life? I had to just be feeling dramatic, right? I must have been exaggerating.
Emotional abuse is not having a fight with your spouse. It’s not someone losing their temper in an argument or having a heated disagreement with you on occasion.
It is when your normal becomes a regular pattern of disrespectful, hurtful, demeaning, manipulative behavior.
I’m a words of affirmation person. It’s my love language – how I best receive and express love.
My ex-husband knew that and used his words as daggers to tear me apart. I vividly remember begging him once to just hit me instead of continuing to scream insults at me.
“Just” words or not, the wounds cut deep.
Healthy Place defines emotional abuse (sometimes called psychological abuse or mental abuse) as: “any act including confinement, isolation, verbal assault, humiliation, intimidation, infantilization, or any other treatment which may diminish the sense of identity, dignity, and self-worth.”
I certainly didn’t see it at the time, as the abuse was building.
That’s how abusers work, right? They start with things that feel so small that they must be insignificant – suggesting you move away from your supportive family (because college is a great reason to move!), implying that you talking to your best friends is harming your relationship (isolating me from support was a big goal of his), starting to slip “partial truth” insults into arguments (that may have a small element of truth but are purely used to shame and humiliate you).
And then, 6 years later, I had allowed so much abuse and had so few boundaries in our relationship that I didn’t even know what to do. I was drowning and just felt so stuck and helpless in this awful cycle of destruction.
What Does Being A Christian Have To Do With It?
All abuse is equally as horrible. A Christian’s abuse is no lighter or heavier than anyone else’s.
In my case, he often found ways to use my faith against me.
He had claimed to be a Christian when we met and he was very convincing. I wouldn’t have married him otherwise.
Just months after we were married, he told me he no longer believed in God and his words and actions followed suit.
Abusers take the things that mean the most to you and use them as tools in their efforts to control you and tear you down.
He knew my faith was my everything.
He knew the Bible well enough to twist Scripture to fit whatever he wanted at any given time.
I am well-educated and I know the Bible and God’s character well, but when someone is manipulating Scripture and throwing it in your face long enough, even Truth feels like it gets a little fuzzy.
And he attacked my faith with everything that he could.
He would mock me whenever he saw me reading my Bible and combatively try to stir up arguments about my beliefs. Sometimes I would try to calmly and rationally explain my beliefs, but it was never Truth that he wanted.
Sometimes I just didn’t have any fight left in me, which drove me to regularly read my Bible on the floor of our closet, hidden behind a row of hanging t-shirts.
Looking back, I can see how terrible that situation sounds. At the time, it just felt like survival – what had to be done to keep both my faith and my marriage.
He knew how badly I wanted to please God and him as my husband, so he took it upon himself to regularly remind me what a failure I was and how I was letting both him and God down.
Emotional abuse shakes how you view your identity in Christ.
Know that if you are in an emotionally abusive situation, your faith is most likely under direct attack.
- Keep going to church.
- Keep praying (here are some specific prayers for an emotionally abusive marriage you can use)
- Keep reading your Bible (I highly suggest Psalm 91).
- If you feel safe enough, keep a prayer journal for your spiritual and emotional health.
- Make sure you have a support system around you who can help you make sure your beliefs about God and your identity in Him are still aligned with Scripture.
God was my rock during those years and I don’t know how I would have survived without His comfort.
But even with all of the faith I could muster, my insecurities mixed with my ex’s words got into my head and twisted things to the point where my worth and my identity were incredibly fragile.
I knew without a doubt that God was enough, I just didn’t believe I was.
Examples of Emotional Abuse In My Marriage
This is directly from a journal entry I wrote on August 31st, 2010.
We had been married for 2 years at this point and it was about 3 1/2 years before our divorce.
These are the exact quotes I wrote down from some of our arguments.
All I hear right now are his words over and over again in my head.
- “Every problem in our marriage is your fault.”
- “Shut up and stop saying you’re sorry.”
- “I thought too highly of you before. Now I know you’re retarded.”
- “You’re no different to me than any other friend. Just a little bit more.”
- “You start all the fights.”
- “You’re a slave master and I’m not allowed to have any friends.”
- “I’m forced to be with you because I can’t support myself right now.”
- “I can’t think of anything I like about you.”
- “Stop telling me what you love about me. I already know you love me so shut up about it.”
- “No, you’re not worth it.”
- “You’re such a stupid idiot.”
- “Get over it.”
- “I don’t care what you feel.”
- “It’s never going to change.”
- “Yeah, well, the truth is hard to hear. Next time I’ll just lie to you.”
- “You look dumb right now. There’s jealousy all over your face.“
- “You drove me to hide my relationship with her. It’s your fault I fell out of love with you.”
- “Studying is more important than you. If you want me to care about you, then I guess I’ll just drop out of school and you’ll never get to be a stay-at-home mom.”
- “I’m going to make you pay my way through school and as soon as I graduate, I’m divorcing you so that you never get to be a stay-at-home mom. You make a terrible wife.”
Last night, he got angry at me for praying for him and told me I needed to stop. No matter how I responded, he kept fighting.
- I tried to be nice and calmly answer him – he got mad.
- I tried to change the subject – he got mad.
- I told him I wasn’t a good person for the type of discussion he wanted (because I didn’t have all of the facts he wanted for that particular theological discussion) – he got mad.
- I tried to tell him how much I needed to get to sleep – he got mad.
I’m trying so hard to be a good wife, God. I’m doing my best to love him and respect him. I’m obviously failing, but I don’t know what else to do. Help me, Jesus. Please help. I have nothing left to give and I am just so tired.
This was just from one journal entry. I have at least 5 journals overflowing with similar examples.
If you are reading this and are in or have been in a similar situation, there are a few things I want to tell you.
The Most Important Advice I Can Offer For Emotional Abuse Survival & Recovery
The one thing that helped me the most to survive and recover from the emotional abuse during that marriage (and eventually my divorce afterward) was my support system.
You need people you trust who can ground you in reality and tell you the truth about your situation.
Build a support system.
My support system included:
- My family
- My pastor’s wife
- My small group leaders
- A Christian counselor
- A few close friends
Building a support system and sharing the messy details of what goes on behind closed doors is not an easy thing.
I did not open up to everyone about it (nor should you), but you desperately need people.
When you are the one in the marriage experiencing the abuse, you often can’t see it clearly.
You’re too far in it. You’ve been lied to and manipulated for years. You need another set of eyes to help you see the truth.
The people in my support system didn’t just magically appear.
I stepped way out of my comfort zone more than once to build this group of people. My ex-husband did not like that I had a support system one bit.
Whether I was talking to them about him or not, he wanted me to be isolated.
He tried many times to separate me from friends and family.
Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t.
I often couldn’t talk to people at home when he was there, so I called them in grocery store parking lots or on my lunch break at work, met them for coffee, and reached out whenever I could in a safe environment.
I fought for my marriage with every ounce of energy I had, so I needed people I could lean on to just keep going.
My self-esteem was crushed by the end of that marriage.
I had no idea who I was and I felt like a shell of a person. After my divorce, I couldn’t even grocery shop because I’d spent so many years buying what my ex-husband liked that I had no idea what I liked anymore.
I felt completely stripped of my entire identity (or what I thought my entire identity was, at least…spoiler alert – you are so much more than just a wife!).
And that was WITH an incredibly strong, supportive group of people holding me up.
I can’t imagine what it would have been like without them. Without my faith in God.
There is hope for you, too.
God is the master at bringing beauty from ashes (this is my post offering hope for Christians after divorce).
Truths to Remember When You Are Experiencing Emotional Abuse in Marriage
Just because your spouse says it (sometimes over and over again), doesn’t make it true.
The more often we hear something, the more real it becomes to us.
If you are hearing “you’re stupid” or “it’s your fault” every day for years, even if you knew it wasn’t true when he first said it, your grasp on that truth loosens as the words slowly wear you down over time.
I was always looking for truth in his words.
He was my husband and I wanted to be able to trust his opinion as the one person who knew me best in the world. I wanted to see the areas where I fell short to be able to learn, improve, grow, and mature.
Unfortunately, those were never his goals when he spoke.
Don’t depend on his words alone.
- Check your words and actions against Scripture and do the same with his.
- Use your support system here.
- Run situations past them and ask them if you have any responsibility to take there.
If not, go to them as many times as it takes to hear that you are not stupid and it is not your fault.
Be around people who will remind you of your true identity.
When all you hear at home is the negative things about yourself, it’s easy to start believing there is no good left.
- Be around people that remind you of the good.
- Spend time with the people who think the world of you and don’t hesitate to tell you all of the wonderful qualities you have.
- Read the Bible verses that talk about your identity in Christ over and over again.
You are not crazy.
I am big on communication. I wanted to understand his perspective. I wanted to hear him out. I wanted to please him and resolve our conflicts.
But, so often, it seemed like my ex-husband’s version of reality didn’t line up with mine. We would be talking about the exact same situation, but our stories were vastly different.
I doubted myself. I questioned my memory. I questioned the situations, words, and feelings that were so real to me.
So often, I felt like I was going crazy and he would be the first to jump in and verbally confirm it.
It’s a very strategic and effective form of manipulation, power, and control that just wears you down over time.
You are not crazy.
Just because your spouse hates a boundary you set, doesn’t make the boundary unreasonable.
Anytime I asked something of him, he would rebel and throw an adult version of a temper tantrum.
He would stomp out of a room, curse, yell, give the silent treatment, and try to twist words to make it sound like I had just asked him to do something completely ridiculous. He was quick to jump in and call me controlling.
I want to clarify that these were usually requests that I had talked to friends, pastors, and counselors about before asking him to make sure that they weren’t unreasonable on my part.
I was asking him to honor our vows – to be faithful in our marriage and respectful toward me.
Being a people pleaser and a wife who desperately wanted to please my husband, I hated the inevitable backlash to my requests…to the point where I mostly just stopped asking.
Don’t stop asking.
Pushback on your boundaries doesn’t necessarily mean that your request is unreasonable…just that it doesn’t allow your spouse to continue to make their unhealthy choices.
Stand firm on the healthy boundaries you know are appropriate, whether he likes them or not.
Should You Get A Divorce?
Unfortunately, that’s just not a question I can answer for you.
I hate divorce, just as I know God does. I want to see marriages succeed, reconcile, heal, and flourish.
I fought fiercely for my marriage and, for 5.8 of the 6 years I was married, divorce just wasn’t even an option in my mind.
But every situation is so different.
I don’t believe God wants you to just sit there and take the abuse.
- Fight for your marriage in every way that you possibly can.
- Be patient.
- Forgive more than they deserve.
- Pray without ceasing.
- Surround yourself with people who love you, build you up, and speak God’s Word into your life.
- Learn how to set healthy boundaries.
The Boundaries in Marriage book by Dr. Henry Cloud & John Townsend was one of the best resources I found on the topic, as was the book, Safe People.
You are worthy of love. You are worthy of respect. You are not a failure.
And you are enough.
I also encourage you to read my post, Please Find Me Beautiful: Not Your Typical Love Story.
Those were the first steps I took to rebuild my identity in Christ after my divorce.
Pin This Post For Later
Unlike many cases here, my wife is the abuser.
She was Christian and invited me into the church after we started dating. When I decided to marry her, I neglected my pastor’s wife’s warning that you two were so different even in your faith in the Lord.
She is abnormally keen on control and security in wealth. She urged me to hand over all the finances to her without exception and the only and biggest focus of her life, her faith, is to acquire own property(ies). She has been convinced that in a marriage a woman should naturally count on a man in finance and a man is solely responsible for providing all the wealth required by her to fulfil her dream. If the man (me) did not fulfill her demand, I am a failure.
She is also manipulative in personal relationships. She wants all the people to accept her perspective and fulfill her expectations, and holds very little to no appreciation. Therefore, all other supports necessary to enable us to live a normal life were not accepted nor appreciated. To reduce our financial burden, we had been living in my mum’s property after getting married for 5 years. No rent, no mortgage, no rates, no insurance as my mum has covered all. Even though my mum was residing in another country, my wife still requested me not to invite my mum to visit us, let alone be willing to see my mum stay in her own house.
She enjoys putting me into her battle against other people (many times there should not be any conflict existing at all) and disrespected me if I expressed my disagreement with her position/opinion.
I got married in 2018, and in the past five years, I seldom heard her admit her mistakes, wrong judgment, and ungodly perspective of marriage or life. She urged me to work while I was suffering constant foot pain. She also urged me to go shopping with her only 10 days after my foot surgery which caused me a life-long injury. Guess what? She said that was because I had a defect in my gene.
She always blamed me useless for not being able to earn a house and wanted me to appreciate her not having an affair with another man and quit the marriage. She would often yell at, argue with, and belittle me at midnight when I already escaped from our bedroom to the living room’s sofabed or even in my car in the garage, or in front of our son. Once I was too painful (mentally) to curl up in a corner of the room with my legs stretching to the wall for support. I was devastated thus the wall was burst a hole.
However, she never considered that after getting married, I was either working, or taking surgery and recovery, or in Covid lockdown, or being a full-time father looking after her and our son until our son is 1.5 years old.
Gradually, I started to believe that I deserved this life. I see myself as not good enough, and shamed for not making my wife’s dream come true. After I started my current job in early 2022, I tried to cover as much housework as possible. I had no rest day by day, working full time, doing all the laundry and cleaning, half of cooking, and looking after our son solely during weekends. And the most dangerous thing is, I kinda isolated myself from other people, especially the church.
After our son was born, she spent her time in baby care and her imaginary life. When I asked her if we could work together to save more money, she was reluctant to work cuz she believed employment was inferior to being a business owner.
There is no safe boundary in our marriages that I would feel comfortable sticking to my principles/values. My wife dismissed a Christian counselor just because the counselor expressed disapproval of my wife’s values in marriage.
In Sep 2023, after I witnessed her wilfully exposing our arguments and conflicts in front of our son again and again, I could not help but apply for a parenting order to set up a boundary. Then I had been suffering for about four months, constant verbal and psychological abuses, curses, and threats, in messages and phone calls. The words she used were beyond my knowledge or imagination. After receiving over 100 messages and 100 calls in a single day, I decided to call the police. It was the same day that she had already used our son as her tool to ask me for money. Surprisingly, she used up my support within 2 days without leaving food money for my son.
In her threat, she said she could choose not to believe in god when doing harmful things to me and believe in god after I suffered. I was totally shocked.
I received diverse suggestions from my church. One pastor suggested I endure and leave all the things to the Lord. I’ve followed this but only seen my wife’s behaviors escalating. Then I asked some pastors from different churches and they all supported me in seeking legal intervention.
A protection order was granted this Monday. But I just felt exhausted and sad. My life, my marriage, even my son, I couldn’t find a trace of what would happen next. But I appreciate the Lord for protecting me as Psalms 91, and now am working on rebuilding my relationship with the Lord. Step by step.
@Brian, after reading your comment, I felt led to suggest a book by Dr. David E. Clarke called “Enough is Enough”. Dr. Clarke is a Christian marriage counselor and this book is all about not taking abuse from your spouse and the Bible scriptures to prove that God doesn’t want us in abusive relationships. I’ll be praying for your situation, as I am also in an emotionally abusive marriage. God bless you. You are worthy of love and deserve to be happy.
I feel an enormous amount of guilt over divorcing my first husband. Yes, he was a problem. He was a passive-aggressive, responsibility-avoiding man with a stepfather who broke his spirit. His mother passed away when he was a young adult. She was his favorite person ever. He was the oldest of 10 children. He would hardly ever (maybe once) challenge his stepfather’s behavior or veer away from the hurtful norms of his birth family. He would hardly ever take his wife’s side or his children’s side in a conflict. He had to be emotionally safe at all times. It took me over 15 years to understand this.
I, on the other hand, had minimal social skills, a very sensitive nature and an introverted lifestyle. I grew up with a remote father and a vain and anxious mother. We moved 15 times while I was growing up. That makes for a confusing view of oneself. I was suppressed a lot, but I was very vocal about my views. I was in trouble a lot because I acted out. I always voiced the idea that I would be able to “stand up to abuse” in a marriage because I was so vocal and articulate and of course that would work.
My husband allowed his family to abuse me verbally, to play mind games and to always let me know that I didn’t fit in. He agreed with them, also.
I was reactively abusive (as was the norm in my childhood family). I always was ashamed of the acting out afterward. I defended myself, my viewpoint with emotional outbursts. It did no good. When I could force a discussion about a problem and think we made a compromise or solution, I would always be wrong…the same problem came up repeatedly. And my anger or hurt would be increased. My exasperation would flow out like a volcano. I had way too many outbursts. I was hurt and also ashamed of myself. I would apologize and forgive (thinking the problem was only me).
Lather, rinse, repeat.
I should have gotten a divorce sooner than 20 years in. There were many reasons I didn’t and I still cannot figure out how I could have done it. But I should have.
The guilt and shame for me comes from my own behavior. I thought direct communication was the best. I thought being upfront was the best. I thought speaking my mind and letting my husband and family know where I stood was the best. I thought getting emotional would get others to take me seriously. I think I ended up damaging my husband and me and our children.
I didn’t have the maturity or knowledge to solve my marriage problem. Resources were scarce and I have found that pastoral help was not adequate because of the connection between the pastor and myself as a member.
I have been in counseling off and on for most of my adult life (I am 77) and it does help.
I am healthier and saner after divorcing my first husband. It was the most profound thing I ever did. I could never have grown into myself if I had not divorced.
I have never lost my faith. I realize that I am forgiven by God for being less than adequate. But, the shame of my behavior and the guilt of its fallout will be with me forever.
Please pray for me! I’ve gone no contact. Seeing a Christian therapist. Praying, going to church. I’m having anxiety, depression and such negative thoughts. God opened the doors for me to leave. My pastors wife looked me dead in the eye and said leave. You are in an abusive marriage. I am free from him now physically but the healing in my mind, I know God will restore me. To learn my identity in him, to love myself and see myself the way he sees me. To know my worth and set boundaries. God has been so good to me so far. Pray he renew my mind with his truth. That I hear God louder than the lies and abuse from my husband that repeat constantly. I want to be whole, restored, thrive.
Thank you for writing this article. I have struggled so long thinking if only I did better, if only I did more. I do a lot already as I work full time and am left most times with most the housework and child rearing (we have 7 kids). I’m so utterly exhausted and I hate the example that my spouse is setting for my children. He’s very verbally abusive toward me, he calls me names and tells me I’m a sh*tty person if I don’t do what he wants when he absolutely demands I do it. I feel so alone and aim so tired. Not to mention he pays the mortgage and utilities and blows the rest of his money on lottery tickets and other various non necessities. I save my money after paying for childcare, all the food and household essentials, my gas car insurance, kids clothes and I make half of what he does. I’d love to be SAHM but I cannot take the risk of him spending money so frivolously and not having food for our kids. But he also demands I spend my savings on different stuff for him! A computer that costs $1300, I’ve bought two used vehicles for him over the years, he demands I pay for repairs on the house or tools he needs/wants and if I am reluctant he is very manipulative and verbally abusive even threatening to kick me out! I’m so tired and sad.
J, I am so very sorry that you’ve experienced this treatment from your husband. I can only imagine how exhausted you must feel after pouring so much effort into your marriage, your husband, your kids, and your finances to just get through the days. I know how scary it is to make any decisions or changes or stand up for yourself at all to a person who is abusive and manipulative. They are wild cards and so many safeguards have to be put into place being acting to protect you and your children. I’m praying for God to give you wisdom in your next steps and a support system to protect and carry you and your children along whatever path that looks like.
Well thought out article. 🙏. It is never enough, want and more want. Cleaning, cooking, chauffeuring, following wifey everywhere like a puppy and it is still not enough
Gurrrl, THANK YOU! I can’t tell you how much I needed this today. Just think of what you went through and put “pastor’s wife” on top of that! That’s where I am. Not to mention mine is a narcissist. I just wish I knew why God allows men to do this. Based on 1 Peter 3:1 Christian men are to honor their wives and treat them as the gentler (weaker) vessel. I haven’t gotten the answers about why. I just don’t want to lose myself in this. I’m not starting out in life, I’m in my early 60’s so finding love is over. Thank you for what you’re doing for so many hurting Christian women out there.
This was the most encouraging and well-thought out post I have seen and what’s crazy to me, is it is the exact reverse. I am the husband who is being spiritually and emotionally abused. I feel embarrassed even writing this comment. There’s literally no resources that I have found for men in the same situation. I literally do everything. Cook, clean, work 2 jobs, take care of 3 kids morning routine, bedtime, everything. It’s never enough. If I’m paying attention to her, not the right time and I’m being lazy. If I’m doing every responsibility that a wife and husband are supposed to share, then I never pay attention to her. I go to Biblical Counseling and try to work on all the areas I fall short. I have been humbled and called to repentance in areas, but any progress was shot down by my wife who has spit in my face, cusses and screams like she’s gone mad in front of our children. Calls me a piece of s**t child, says she hates being married to me, has thrown things at me, kicked me below the belt and then threatened to call the police on me and lie. She has explosive anger and then expects me to handle the repercussions. Says “you’re the man of the house”. She came to Biblical Counseling with me recently and started crying when he was instructing us on how to treat one another. The counselor asked if she wanted to share what was going on and she said, “it’s just so sad that he can’t be what I need him to be”. I’m being gaslighted constantly just like that. I’ve taken every critical comment and tried to work on it or change myself, to no avail. There’s always something else wrong with me according to my wife. I want a divorce but am worried about our church who thinks everything is perfect and I’m worried about my kids. I don’t know how to go on. Everyone I’ve talked to (pastor, counselor) thinks these are normal martial problems. Nobody gets it. I feel less of a man.
Colt, I am so very sorry you’ve gone through this. I applaud your efforts to work things out with her, seek counseling, and go to your pastor. I can see how much of a man you are by how much you’ve fought to save your relationship and how much you’ve reached out for help. My heart just breaks that the pastors and counselors you’ve met with so far haven’t recognized the abuse you’ve endured. I’m not a trained counselor, but I absolutely know that no spouse should ever be spit on, cursed/screamed at, and berated. This is not okay or normal. Please, keep looking for a counselor who will see that. I know how it feels when people tell you that what you’re going through is normal. I went through that as well with friends and even a police officer when I filed the one and only police report I’ve ever filed in my life. I felt crazy, almost like a child who was making something out of nothing. You are not crazy. This is not okay. You have every right to lay strict boundaries to keep you and your children safe. I don’t have all of the answers for you, but I’m praying God will make your next steps clear, providing the support you need.
@Colt, I am so sorry you are going through this and that you haven’t been taken seriously. I’m really shocked a counselor and pastor thinks kicking and throwing things is a normal marital problem. Your wife’s behavior and expectations are not reasonable. God was not able to be everything some people felt they “needed him to be” either in spite of being perfect. God had to metaphorically divorce Israel. Christ was despised, rejected, mocked and beaten. God and Christ were not the problem there. Christ can definitely empathize with you since He’s had problems with unpleasable people too.
Throwing things at you and kicking you is definitely physical violence. If the church doesn’t understand, maybe it will help to reach out to the domestic violence hotline or a secular counselor to get help and resources? The hotline is 800-799-7233.
If anyone out there reads this and feels like you are being emotionally or verbally abused or even disrespected and criticized on a regular basis, then YOU PROBABLY ARE. Don’t dismiss it. It took me 16 years to realize it. We got separated at the recommendation of our pastor. My husband eventually earned his way back into our home and marriage and now 3 years later, he’s back to his old self. Look up the “cycle of abuse.” The honeymoon phase is what messes me up every time. It gives me just enough hope to stay in it. I wish I had left him long ago. Now I have 2 teenagers and as a teacher, I could never support myself, much less 2 kids. But it may come down to that. Emotional abuse is one of those things people can’t see because there’s not any bruises or broken bones. I’m not sure my kids even see it. I try so hard to hide it from them and not “provoke” my husband in their presence. Or they might just be used to it thinking it’s complicated normal. If I divorce him, they will probably blame me. I’m not feeling sorry for myself. But I would like other women to know that this type abuse is hard to identify because it’s so manipulative. Just like Becky says. Get out ASAP or get professional help if it’s at all possible. Don’t wait 20 years. You hear people say ,”I wish I would have gotten out sooner.” But you rarely hear, “I wish I had put more effort into working on my abusive marriage.” I also recommend the book Boundaries. I’m going to check out the other book you recommended too.
I am in counseling. I have been on and off for 16 years. Im diagnosed with anxiety and depression disorder and my therapist also suspects PTSD. I had none of these before I was married. I’m starting a new treatment specifically for PTSD and it might just give me the confidence in myself to make better decisions moving forward in my life.
@SN, I just looked up the cycles of abuse – I think this comment may have just saved my life. I thought I was going crazy. Thank you.
This has been encouraging to read. It reminds me that I’m not crazy. I’ve been married 44 years and thought of leaving many times. But I’m still here. While dating and engaged I thought G was loving, kind, funny, charming and all that. But after we got married I realized something was different. Things changed. We argued a lot and I always was the one apologizing and vowing to change and make our marriage better. After our first child was born, I packed up a few things and took our baby and drove away. I felt lost, unloved and so confused. I had prayed so much, read books, tried to change, but nothing helped. After being gone for a couple of hours I realized I had nowhere to go, no support, no job, no money. So I turned around and went back home deciding to work harder at our marriage. The abuse was emotional and verbal. I tried so hard not to do the things that ticked him off or provoked him to anger. But I could never figure out exactly what that was. It was different each time. An explosion out of nowhere for something meaningless. I truly thought I was stupid, could never support myself, my opinions didn’t matter, I was always wrong. I was reminded of that often. We were Christian’s, went to church, taught SS and all that. To the outside world it looked like our marriage was perfect. But inside it was not. I didn’t really know much about abuse at the time…I thought physical abuse was the only thing. One time I phoned a Christian counsellor, but realized I had no way to pay for any sessions. I walked on eggshells every day, not knowing when the next blowup would be. One thing that helped me was my mother in law. She was so kind and loving to me. Every time we saw each other she would ask me, how are you doing? I felt like she knew what was really going on in our marriage. I didn’t ever tell her much, but I knew if anything ever happened she would be there for me. Life went merrily along for us. Well not merrily, haha. There were many good days. My husband liked to show off what a good husband and dad he was. He would buy some extravagant gifts and would like it when I would wear the jewellery so he could show others what a great husband he was. He was a charmer. I think that’s what first attracted me to him. All our friends from church and work thought he was the best guy ever! And he was good a lot of the time. And just when I thought, oh, ok, we are kind of like everyone else, or that things were getting better. Oops, his real personality would come through. Lots of yelling, twisting of words, making me feel so small. So hurt. And he started to take out his anger on our oldest child. It wasn’t fair. If I tried to explain, or intervene, all hell broke loose. I tried as hard as I could to protect my son from his dad. I did the best I could. Our kids are all grown, moved on with their own lives. For many years after our son left home, he struggled with life. Fitting in, he had such a poor self image. Just like me. Our other two daughters were never verbally abused and never had the same struggles. Our son, didn’t want to spend much time at home, and I understand why. It’s taken him 30 years to finally seem like he was truly happy with his life, and he now enjoys coming for visits. The last 10 years, after my husband retired from work, have been somewhat better. The huge outbursts of anger and all that goes with it only happen about 2-3 times a year. Mini tantrums can still happen at any time. I thought of divorce, leaving, etc many many times. I could go on and on about the abuse. The unfaithfulness. Yes, I found a video of him with another woman when he was away in a business trip. But here we are still together. He bought me a huge new set of wedding rings after that to prove he was sorry. In some ways we live our lives separately but under the same roof. It’s so funny (not really) because sometimes when he’s mad he will threaten divorce. Of course it’s always my fault. He’s a con artist, a narcissist really. I know if I were to leave, he’d twist things and make it seem like I was the worst woman ever. I still feel stuck, even after all these years. We have money now. If we did divorce I’d get half. But he is sneaky with the money and it’s in many, many different accounts, and a lot of them don’t have my name on them. He manages and manipulates everything. I guess in a way…since he has mellowed so much, and I’ve learned not to react to him when he gets mad, I can say life is better. I’ve accepted it. Of course Covid was terrible. He likes to be in control. And the world was changing, and he couldn’t control it, or do the things he wanted to do. He would rant on and on everyday about how stupid everyone was, etc It was hard being in the same house with him. One day when he was in a good mood, I talked to him about his reactions and anger about Covid and stuff. God was right there with me, helping me say the right words. It was a miracle. I told him how stressed and angry he seemed and how it wasn’t good for him when he watched the news all day, and how other people were wondering about him, because he was always ranting about it. And that other people didn’t necessarily have the same opinion as him. He actually listened. He didn’t get mad at me. He thought about it, and actually made some positive changes. Since he has the need to be admired, looked up to from others, I’m sure the idea of other people thinking he might be loosing it was a factor. For awhile a few years ago, when I would buy groceries I would buy Visa gift cards and save them up. He wouldn’t know, because he never looked at the groc receipts. I started talking to a counsellor. I guess I went 6 times or so over a year. It was so helpful. I realized it wasn’t me that was crazy. I wasn’t stupid. I paid for the sessions with my saved up visa gift cards, and my husband never knew a thing about it. For our 40th anniversary my husband wanted a huge party. I was shocked. I certainly didn’t feel like celebrating. But once again he wanted to show off and have everyone think our life was the very best ever. I resisted a bit, but realized I better just get on board or there would be hell to pay. It was a great party. I felt like a hypocrite. Our life still looks wonderful to the outside world. I have my own inside world. No one knows. Well, our kids know that it can get bad sometimes. Someday I might ask them if they feel I should have left him. As of today,I’d say my life is pretty good. But I also know that at any moment that could change and it would be a nightmare. Do I love him? I say I do. But when I’m Im in the midst of being told how stupid, etc I am, well of course I don’t. I love our kids and grandkids. If it wasn’t for them I’d have left a long time ago. When I read the stories of others and your story I’m reminded of all the hatred and hard things I’ve gone through. I try to block them out. But they are there. If I could tell my younger self something, I’d say: it’s not your fault, you are not stupid. You are strong. You can make it on your own. Leave and start over. I had such a naive perception of marriage…a Christian marriage. I’d love to know and be able to feel and enjoy a good wholesome marriage. But that’s not for me. It’s therapeutic writing this out. My friends would be surprised if they knew the truth. Well, really I don’t have many friends anymore. Over time they have melted away. A lot of them didn’t like listening to my husband talk about his views of everything…you know overtake every conversation, he’s always better than everyone, has the best car, was the best hockey player or football, or whatever. He has a huge ego. To make my life liveable I have to go with the flow. Nod, smile politely.
Amidst all of this I feel blessed for my family, thankful for Gods grace and love. I have so much to be grateful for. I’ve survived.
Elsa, thank you for sharing your story with me. You are so very strong. And I’m also so sorry you’ve had to endure so much abuse over the years. I completely understand how difficult it is to keep friends around with a controlling, narcissistic husband. I also had to keep reminding myself I wasn’t crazy. It’s wild how constantly hearing lies can warp your reality. I just said a prayer for you for peace and protection.
My situation was VERY different. I don’t feel that I am allowed to date… not biblical in my situation. IHe kept my youngest child… I haven’t seen him for years. I desperately miss him…. Sometimes, like tonight, I have trouble going on…. just want to go to sleep in Christ. The church I attended was not helpful… he’s not a believer… but he had them believing in him during the divorce. My support system is not really there…He and He alone takes care of me.
Hi.
Im newlywed and my marriage started falling apart in the very beginning but I didn’t realize at the time. When we dated he was the most loving and caring man I ever been with. He anticipated my needs even before I was aware of them myself. I never felt so loved and wanted by any man that way before. He was respectful and my defender. I know G’d told me to marry him, took a lot of prayer for me to accept him as I been in abusive relationships before. As soon as we went on our honeymoon, there were some behaviors from him, that now that I look back. I see that from the very beginning his attitude towards me and our relationship had changed. But this is my first marriage so it was uncharted waters for me. My husband on the other hand been married when he was very young. He comes from abusive marriage, abusive relationships with women. He carries a lot of trauma, unforgiveness, resentment, and the level of denial is unbelievable about it. I been more than patient and understanding, but a little over 2yrs, I don’t know how much more I can take. Most days we are well, but is walking on eggshells, never knowing what will set him off. It started to make me doubt if I really heard G’d right about marrying him. I have a small support network, and part of our problem is that he is constantly worried or accusing me of talking about him to other to make him look bad in their eyes. But I’m a very head strong person and told him, no I don’t you do a fine job of that all by yourself. I have confronted him many times, but yet it’s draining, so draining not being allowed to be yourself, to express opinions, to talk about anything or do anything. I love him so much and I know that is why it hurts. I married being a Virgin and I’m at the point I don’t even care anymore. I rather be single for the rest of my life than be with any man ever again. Even his adults daughters after seeing how he treats me, said she doesn’t understand why he is like that with me, but how he acts toward me is exactly how her mom and her half sibling mother treated him. I’m tired of being the enemy in his mind and eyes when I was never a part his past, we didn’t meat each other until 5yrs ago. I don’t want to divorce, I want him to be healed from his past and for our marriage to be healed, but like I said before 2yrs is too long to endure this.
Oh Clara, my heart just breaks for you as I read this. So many things you described overlapped my story, as well. When you described feeling so drained all the time, I remember that feeling so well. It was exhausting in all of the ways you described and more. Since I’m not a close friend and I don’t know the details of your relationship, I don’t have advice to give (aside from making sure you DO reach out for advice from your close friends/pastor/etc), but I do want to pray for you.
Heavenly Father, I lift up Clara to You right now. Your Word says You are near to the broken-hearted, so I ask You to draw especially near to Clara right now as she grieves the marriage she thought she was signing up for and her heart breaks daily as her husband treats her poorly. Will You please bring a circle of support around her right now to give her protection, encouragement, and wise counsel about how to respond to all of this? I ask that You would protect her – physically from any harm, but also verbally and emotionally, protecting her from any attacks on her character that could make her believe lies about her identity and worth. I ask that You fill her mind and heart with Your Truths about her, drowning out any lies he may be speaking over her. And I ask You to turn her husband’s heart. Allow him to see the damage he is doing to his wife and feel the consequences of his actions so that he may turn back to her in humility and love. Will you somehow in Your Divine way bring beauty from the ashes of this situation? You’ve proven to me time and time that You can bring Your light into the darkness and I know without a doubt that You can do that again here in Clara’s marriage. I ask all these things in Your Son’s precious name. Amen.
Thank you for courage to share your truth with others being emotionally abused it certainly will help others. It’s sad when your pure love for someone results in them mistreating and betraying you but GOD and my family were my help and GOD finally gave me the strength to leave, and never look back. Some people are so damaged they can’t receive love and want to hurt others. I pray for my ex husband’s salvation but I took back my power and walked on GODs word that I have been called to PEACE. GOD bless you and for anybody going through this now please know GOD is a deliverer, protector and healer just call on him.
To Sha: It’s great you have family to support you. I don’t have any support, and I’m retired. I get a pension now that I’m retired, but it won’t cover all expenses on my own. Nowhere to turn. Prices are rising almost weekly, so I must endure incredible abuse from a very abusive man. He is selfish, looking out for only himself, is verbally and emotionally abusive, has not had any relations with me for over 26 years – no affection/no love/no concern for me. When I had panick attacks, he made it worse for me and complained that I had them. I’ve had medical issues I would not have otherwise had without his daily abuse. He has no self control, scares me, yells in my ears and claps his hands in my ears, overtalks me so I can’t express anything. Then, to add insult to injury, he calls me “controlling”. He has proven himself to be very unreliable and untrustworthy. I keep a clean home, run all the errands, pay all the bills, grocery shopping, cooking healthy meals, do all laundry, arrange for all home repairs/including roofing, etc., handle all holidays alone and shopping. He just shows up for the meals. Nowhere to go. No one who will help me. 2nd Marriage/Was Single for 12 years, and this is what I got? We’ve been together 35 years – I’ve wasted all that time with him. I’ve suffered pretty much all that time – Just about every single day. If not for God, I’d be nothing. Suzy, stuck in Seattle
I’ve been in an extremely verbally emotionally and psychological abusive marriage for 9 years now. I was previously married for 2 years, he was a good man but I was unhappy, I realize now it was a relationship with Christ I lacked and was unhappy with everything. So now I have been married for 9 years and it was good the first year and then got ugly. We had our first child, and that’s when the abuse started. He kept telling me I was a loser and it was me to just end the marriage like I did with my first one. I’ve had 4 children with him because I am in such deep need for love, my children can love me. The abusive has really messed me up. I became a born again Christian through out this mess though, thankful that God showed me True Love. My kids suffer greatly but we have no where to go, I’m a stay at home mom and he has promised me he will make sure he makes my life miserable if I leave with the kids. It’s absolute hell.
I have been divorced from my tithes paying, choir leader, pastor parish leading, verbally and lastly physically abusive (1 and done) ex husband. I can say God does not want his daughters to stay in an abusive relationship/marriage. I KNOW that knowing I was from love, saved my life. I prayed in my prayer closet for a year before that night he finally and thankfully hit me. Yes,because I knew that physical pain was my threshold. It was my personal relationship with God and knowing that God trusted my ex with being my covering and my ex refused to honor God with that responsibility. I may be the odd one out but knowing and being assured that “coming from love will propel you to move past your fear and or the reality that the dream of marriage is over”. PLEASE brothers and sisters in the body of christ don’t be held fooled..God does want us to be whole. Abuse is not a path to wholeness.
I’ve been married 34 years. Before we married, i was unsure about it and asked Jesus for confirmation. He made me as sure that i was to marry R as i was sure that i was saved. And then He told me “Remember this.” My thought was “what could go wrong?” 🙄 I had thought R was a believer. It took many years to admit to myself he wasn’t saved. He served in the church for a very long time without being a true believer and that’s scary in itself. I knew if i stayed with R, he would be saved. Jesus had confirmed this over and over. After 29 years of marriage, i saw a change in him, so i asked Jesus if R had been saved. Whenever I’d asked this before, he’d always act terrible before the days out and I’d know he’d not been saved yet. This time, it had been a week since I’d asked Jesus if he’d been saved and i still didn’t have an answer. I told Jesus this wasn’t funny and i wanted an answer! I then spoke to our pastor’s wife (it was their last Sunday) and she told me she’d seen a change in R, a softening. That was my answer. I knew he’d been saved! I told our grown children and when they came to visit, they knew he’d been saved, too! R hasn’t admitted he’s been saved. He’s still emotionally/verbally abusive and passive aggressive (just as his mother was), but at least his verbal abuse is usually silence. It was spoken this morning, which made me want to look for Christian responses to such actions. He recently told me he’s been to 3 lawyers to see about a divorce, but they all told him everything would be sold and split 50/50. He’d lose all the farmland he’s worked so hard to get. And when he told me that, i told him i WOULD take him for everything he’s got. So, he won’t divorce me and deep down, he doesn’t really want a divorce. Money was his god before Jesus was, but it still has a hold on him. Just yesterday, he helped our daughter with money, which he’s NEVER done, so the Lord is working! I’m not looking for advice. I guess i was just looking to see if i was alone in such things. The Lord is faithful. I have often considered how Jesus was accused of things he didn’t do. I’m in good company. He remains faithful. Thanks for listening.
Hi Becky
This page may be saving my life right now. My marriage is similar to what you have written and sadly it’s going to be over. Have fought so hard but the backlash is too great. I hope Jesus is not too disappointed in me. I tried to give it everything.
Oh, Sarah, I am sending you a long-distance hug right now! I remember that feeling so well – knowing I gave every ounce of strength, energy, and heart I had to my marriage but desperately hoping Jesus wasn’t disappointed in me. Of course, I’m not Jesus, but I truly believe He knows how hard you worked and is pleased with your desire and effort to please Him. And I believe He will carry you in the tough days ahead to a brighter, lighter future. <3
I’m in the middle of accepting that I may be in an emotionally abusive marriage. My husband is a pastor. I.. don’t feel that there is anyone I can go to. Divorce would cause him to never work in ministry again, but I’m afraid seeking counseling for this would have a similar effect. My heart is broken and I feel so stuck. Please pray for me.
I am so very sorry you are in this situation. I will definitely be praying that the Lord leads your next steps and provides you the support you need.
@Anonymous, will you talk to someone privately? I am a counselor. You can talk to me if you’d like.
Thank you for your post of your story. It has been hard, and at times I thought it was my fault for the conflict, chaos and confusion that has plagued my marriage and relationship with my husband, who was prior to that my boyfriend of 17 years. We have been separated since 2014, and I have tried to “hang in there with his plan”. In the past 5 going on 6 years, I’ve heard his story of why we separated change several times, blaming it on me, on us, on his need to take care of his father (whom he has lived with most of our separation) and because his work (electrician) pays higher in the area he lives in now. When he actually was flirting online with women. I have tried to work things out with him, but it always had to be his way. There were times that I started moving on, with the intent to just start divorce proceedings, and I would wind up trying “one more time” only to go back to the same problems, same behavior and same situation. I call it a merry go round of insanity.
Last summer our son was hospitalized due to an accident. I had told him that I would contact him (while waiting for the grace period to file for divorce that my state requires) and I called to advise him. Oh, he poured it on. He told me that he was CLEAN and that I should be clean too. I was because I haven’t been with another man in 30 years so I knew I didn’t have any STDs. Also, at one time, during the height of is emotionally infidelity, it got so bad that I requested that my Dr test me for all STDs because I didn’t know if he was faithful. I came back negative on all tests. I told him that I would take it one day at a time with him, but that if we started going back on that merry go round that I couldn’t take it anymore. He quickly agreed. It started out good. My family and I were all impressed with the changes he had made. He wasn’t selfish and greedy like everyone remembered him, he was affectionate. Kind. Attentive. Patient. It was all gravy until he figured he had me in his pocket, and then the change came. Back to the old self. He didn’t feel like talking to me on the phone and began avoiding me on weekends, like he used to . He began criticizing me about my weight (I do need to lose 50 lgs due to prediabetes). It was the way he did it. His mother and him literally debased me together about how huge I was and how I desperately needed to lose weight because it was so unattractive. He told me once before that he had ED issues (which we discovered before we split up and its gotten worse) but now it was because I was so unattractive to him, although I had told him prior to the holidays that in 2020 I wanted to lose 50 lbs and before then he didn’t know exactly how much I weighed. I carry weight all over and I don’t actually look my weight, but I have a stomach that I hadn’t had before). He too, has gained weight and is about 75 lbs heavier than when we split up, but it didn’t affect my desire for him. And I found out that he has herpes simplex 2. He showed me his Dr’s report and told me that he had it all along. That didn’t make sense because my test results (blood test) came back negative when I requested to be tested, when I had my hysterectomy years later, and when I was hospitalized in 2017 for health issues. He didn’t get it from me…..
It’s been so much and for so long. I am past tired and I have surrendered the pain and disappointment to God. Its funny because during times of prayer God gave me phrases, and until I read this post I looked at those phrases across all areas of my life, mostly with friends and associates though. I heard “SEASONS” one day, before we separated. Later, I heard the words “HEALTHY BOUNDARIES”. I perceived God wanted me to become aware that some people are in our lives for seasons, and to create healthy boundaries with people to avoid getting hurt. Until I read your post I applied those two revelations to every situation in my life but my marriage. Now, I will seek God more for deeper revelation in the word He deposited in my heart and mind.
I’m okay. Good days. Sad days. A couple of bad days. Its one day at a time, trusting God. I’m about to turn 55. I never dreamed this one. But I believe God has a plan for me and I will say this: your abuse has been similar to mines. I have friends and family who loves me. I have Father God. I believe that I will be okay, even starting over in my golden years, if He leads me down that path.
Thank you again and sorry for such a long msg. May God continue to bless you in all you do.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. No apologies needed! It’s so difficult to condense stories like that down with so much information to share. I’m so sorry for the pain you’ve experienced, but so thankful you have such supportive friends and family to walk through all of that with you.
This all hits home. I have been asked to speak on the abuse I endured for years. I never had the physical But every ounce of mental I had. Sadly through my walk I have seen a dramatic increase in women “Christian” doing this to men. It is so sad it is heart breaking.
Bridget, I am so so sorry for the words you’ve had to hear. I’m a words of affirmation person and words have a lot of impact on me. No abuse is always preferable, but I’d have preferred a fist over an insult so many times.
@Bridget, Hi Bridget…I am a husband that deals with verbal abuse. I won’t go into details of incidents but I have prayed and sought counsel from God and church leaders. Wife is religious but I am not sure if she is a true believer. She attends a different denomination church. Physical needs neglected. No children…just me and wife in the house. I am so glad a daughter is not in the home to observe the disrespectful words. I won’t divorce but I am contemplating separation. I have been faithful for 10 years and I will remain pure before God. God bless!!
I finally realized in 2016 after 26 years of marriage that I was in a toxic abusive relationship. I am still dealing with the trauma.
I am so sorry, Denise. That is such a long time to endure abuse. I’m praying for your healing.
Thank you for sharing your story, Becky and all the others who have commented. I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship for almost 6 years. In the beginning, I thought I could work harder to measure up against his criticisms. I was not familiar with abusive relationships of any kind, so even though I sought counselling from clergy and clinicians on how to help my marriage, nothing helped long term. I felt so confused. I longed for others to see firsthand how he treated me because maybe they would have more success with talking him out of his disrespectful and unloving behavior. Then, 2 or 3 years ago through the gift of the internet, I stumbled across emotional abuse resources and immediately realized that was what I had been experiencing.
I recently separated from my abuser. I, too, kept a journal, which I glanced over in the days leading up to my departure. Reading my own words of how I asked him if he would TRY to be nice to me while we were on vacation and his response was something like “I can’t commit to that.” Through prayer, I realized that God doesn’t want me to be treated that way and that I can protect myself from his “reckless words [that] pierce like a sword” -Proverbs 12:18
I’m praying for wisdom, grace, mercy, guidance, healing and to seek his will above my own. I pray that God convict me when I do wrong because there are different interpretations on what a wife should do in an abusive situation. I am trusting in the Lord with all my heart and leaning not to my own understanding. and in all my ways I am acknowledging him so that he will direct my path. -Proverbs 3:5,6.
I pray for my abuser and ask that you, Becky, and everyone reading this do the same for all of us who are impacted by abuse.
I am so sorry you’ve had to go through that, T. I’m sure you’ve heard many hurtful words over those 6 years. I was clueless about abusive relationships too, so it took me a very long time for me to recognize it for what it was. I was so sure it was me failing as a wife and if I could just do better, I’d be able to fix the marriage. It’s such a painful thing! It’s so wonderful that you’ve been able to draw closer to the Lord through it all. I pray that He reveals every lie that’s been spoken to you and replaces them with His Truth.
@t, Yes God is with us and he will never fail us.
Thank you for this article. I am in the midst of an emotionally abusive marriage. Never physical but to be honest that doesn’t matter when your entire daily life is full of dysfunction, manipulation, isolation, and disrespect. I’ve taken loss after loss in this marriage and I am tired. I’ve held up the marriage financially the entire 3.5 years because he can’t keep a job without either missing days (to get high and oversleep), or getting into arguments with supervisors. We had an situation that led to me having him arrested for domestic violence last year so naturally now that he has that on his record, it’s my fault he can’t get a job. We’ve lost our children due to him being unwilling to cooperate with family services after an instance of excessive discipline. You’d think this would be rock bottom but he still doesn’t get it…..counseling isn’t working.. we come to agreements there then things go back to “normal” when we get home. Each time I pray for guidance, another incident or loss has happened. I now believe these have been God opening doors for me to get out, which I’d been closing and ignoring out of fear.
I’m exhausted; carrying all the bills and the guilt leaves little time to work on myself but I am starting the process of regaining confidence so that I can free myself…
Oh, I am just so, so sorry for everything you’ve had to go through. My heart just broke as I read your comment describing what things have been like for you, especially losing your children. I carried the financial burden in my abusive marriage, as well. I so relate to the exhaustion you describe here. It so tiring to fight so hard to do the right thing all day, every day when you are met with so much resistance, even for the smallest of things. I am praying so hard for you right now – for a rock-solid support system to come around you and carry you through, for wisdom for each and every step you take to be following God’s path for you, for strength to keep moving forward, and for moments of peace in the midst of the storm you are in.
I am in emotionally abusive marriage. I cant write the details of it, its too much…i want to leave. my daughter is almost 10. I’m staying because of her. some days its so bad , i feel like walking out with the clothes on my back. I have no support …. None… i want to kill myself… i dont see myself surviving this marriage.
Rakhee, I am so very sorry you are in that situation, especially with no support! Please reach out to someone – a local church, a counselor, a suicide helpline (1-800-273-8255)…anyone! I don’t know where you live or if you are connected to a church, but I know our church provides resources to help in times like this. Because I don’t know you more than this comment, I can’t do much more to help you than encourage you to please reach out and to fervently pray for you.
Lord, thank you for bringing Rakhee to this blog post and please cover her with Your protection right this minute. God, I know she feels so stuck and powerless, but I know You will provide a way out. Give her wisdom and creativity to think of alternative solutions that will work, even in this seemingly impossible situation. Show her how valuable her life is and fill her with your hope – a hope that is so powerful, but often unseen. I don’t know the details of her situation, but You know exactly what she needs. Guide her to people who can help her right now. Lead her to resources. Show her, step-by-step, how to get through one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time, clinging to You for your Almighty strength and support. Lord, You are mighty to save. Please, save Rakhee’s life. She desperately needs You right now. I lay all of this at Your feet and will trust You while I wait with great expectations. In Your Name I pray, amen.
I read an article yesterday that described what its like being in a relationship with a narcisist. I am married to one. I was so happy all day because I realised I’m not useless or stupid like he says I am… Its him! But then I came home & as usual got the blame. It doesn’t matter what for, everything that goes wrong in our home is my fault. I’m so angry with God, which is wrong, but it feels like he doesn’t want to help me. He just watches me get crushed over and over again. I’m 43… I’m tired… Its been so much over the years. My husband expects me to be over all the bad stuff. It stays with you. And every nasty word, every fight brings all the bad memories back. Yes, affairs,lies, broken promises. He doesn’t get that. My daughter won’t let me leave. I’m counting down the years till she’s 18. I will leave then. My family’s abandoned me, I have no friends, I’ve never been to church. I appreciate your prayers. I know God loves me but i always think that maybe he just doesnt like me. I don’t know what God wants from me. I can’t remember the last time I had a carefree, fear free day.
What about if your married to someone who doesn’t allow you even a moment to pray without attacking you and God due to his jealousy of your relationship with God? My mother is in this kind of marriage. She believes that by remaining in this toxic marriage she is doing what God wants. However,I dont feel that this was God’s plan for her from the beginning. I love her so much and I am hurting for her because even though she claims she is doing what God wants of her I feel she is just using God as an excuse to fulfill her need for companionship in her abuser. Which in turn I can clearly see, is driving her further from God.
Gina, I am so sorry to hear about your mother’s situation. My heart really goes out to you because sometimes I think it’s even harder to be the person watching your loved one go through something like this and be powerless to stop it.
Unfortunately, your mom is the only one who can decide what her boundaries are with her husband. You can express your concern (which it sounds like you’ve done). Aside from that, just showing her support (for her emotional/mental/spiritual needs, not support for her husband’s poor behavior) and praying regularly for her is the most powerful thing you can do for her.
Even though you aren’t the one in the abusive relationship, a counselor still might be very helpful in giving you ways to love and support your mom in this situation. Of course, if she is in physical danger, that’s a different situation entirely.
I can hear how much you love your mom in your words and she is so blessed to have such a caring daughter. I am praying that God would show your mom the healthy boundaries she can lay down in firm yet loving ways and that He would give her the confidence to stand firm in them. Also, that He would cover her with His Almighty protection against any and all types of abuse – physical, verbal, emotional, and spiritual.
@Becky, husband is a alcoholic. Mentally abusive… emotionally abusive.
It is so bad. I am a born again Christian and I have a strong family church…he does not attend.
Married 35 years.
I do not think I can go on this way anymore.
So many details that are bad.
I am sober 6 years and he hold that against me. All I do..nothing is right or good.
Always my fault.
I am the evil messed up one.
I journal…use daily affirmations. I write him prayer cards daily.
Try to stay positive.
It is not getting any better. Seems to be getting worse. He hates himself. And puts that all on me.
I truly feel sad for him. So very sad. I have the Lord on my side..
He gives us struggles only to make our faith stronger…but I truly feel I need out.
He will not seek help for his drinking or his abusive behavior. So much much more to say.
I need an out. But I do not want to let anyone down. We have 2 grown boys. The oldest has to small children. We are not allowed to see them and have not seen my son for 2 years. No idea what we did. Now I am thinking it is my husband?
I could go on and on.
I just want some happiness…joy …love..The Fruits.
I want to be who I AM.
I’m in an emotionally abusive marriage for 7 years with 2 young boys. He’s more passive & covert- will ignore me with subtle insults & dismissiveness. Also has lied many times and an had an emotional crush on a co-worker.
I am a stay at home mom.
I’m getting mixed messages from my support system. fervent prayer vs divorce. The church is saying love the unloveable, pray, suffer & God will change him. When I pray for him my heart is not fully engaged. I end up going back & forth…I end up praying for an escape, strength, & discernment. Then, I feel guilty & feel like I’m not praying wholeheartedly for him & I as a couple, for our marriage.
Jacki, I am so sorry you’ve had to endure that emotional abuse. I know how hurtful those subtle insults can be and the lies just destroy trust and security so quickly.
I can’t give you an answer on the fervent prayer vs divorce question, but I would like to encourage you in your prayers. I don’t think you need to be carrying around that guilt. God sees your heart here. He knows what you’ve experienced in your marriage and the wounds you have from the situation. Your prayers are always good enough. You are still seeking God and looking to Him to provide your next step, whatever that looks like. It’s okay that you’re weak and weary in this area. God’s power works best in our weakness. Just keep seeking Him. You’re doing the best you can and God knows it.
I just stopped to pray for you.
Unfortunately for me it’s emotional and physical abuse, 2nd marriage like this, I feel like a failure
After 15 yrs I can’t take anymore I must get out before I get killed
Amber, I am so incredibly sorry. Please, go somewhere safe. I wish I could do more, but I’m praying for you right now. And, a counselor friend of mine often tells me, “The abuser is at fault, but often the victim carries the shame.” It is not your fault they chose abuse.
Thanks for sharing Becky. I am a Christian that made bad choices and ended up pregnant out of wedlock with an emotional abuser. Trying to “do the right thing” I got back together with him when the baby was 4 months old. Like a good manipulator, he came to church with me once making me believe things could be okay. Then he found excuses for Sunday’s and we ALWAYS had to do everything together or I was selfish and taking the baby from him. So to appease his temper tantrum and not “ take the baby from him” (I didn’t tell him when the baby was born. Hence his extra hatred of me) I stopped going to church. This followed me for the next decade and two children more. When I said I wanted to go back to church I caught him emailing a girl asking for advice on divorce (b/c there is power in Jesus) which led to a series of inappropriate texts with this woman and should have led to me leaving, but it didn’t. Eventually I had enough courage to say “you are the only one who says these things about me. And your words have no power against me”. Ladies going through this, pray and God will open up opportunities to exit. But don’t close the door. I prayed “God let him have an affair b/c then I would have the strength to leave”. That week he started texting a girl. And…I didn’t leave. I don’t believe God wants you to have your soul crushed by an enemy attack. Just think of the woman you can be when free of that negativity.
Tara, I am so glad you had the courage to stand up against his hurtful words. My biggest prayer in writing this post is that women in this situation will not only feel like they’re not alone but also be reminded of their value in Christ and have the courage to set healthy boundaries for themselves.
Thank you for this. I went through a marriage similar to this as well. Was emotionally cheated on several times and made to feel it was my fault. I’m still working on finding my confidence and self love. Thank you for making me feel not alone and that I can overcome. Also for the helpful things to read as I am still healing and need the help.
Samantha, I am so sorry you had to experience that. You are definitely not alone and you CAN overcome. Running was one of the best things for my confidence after my divorce. I signed up for races, did them on my own (which was initially terrifying!), and stepped way outside of my comfort zone to meet new people. I proved to myself that I could do hard things. It was a challenge mixed with self-care and it was also great for my health and my mood. I hope you find something like that can grow your confidence, too!
Wow, Becky, I never knew more than just a teeny bit of your story. I admire you so much, and your dedication to being all that wants you to be. You’re a real inspiration!
Weezie
Thank you so much, Weezie. So much of this stuff happened behind closed doors and I was really, really good at justifying his behavior (ask Laurie – it drove her nuts!). I still praise God for Northwest and all of the people in it. I would have been lost without all of your support.
I was so taken aback by your story and the clear abuse you suffered. For someone who endured so much, you radiate so much joy. When I feel discouraged and overwhelmed, I often come to your blog and read both new and old posts. You share your faith in such a way that I find it uplifting. I’m so glad you were able to find your way out of the darkness and find happiness now.
I have replayed your words so many times in my head already. Thank you for typing this out. I am so glad that joy comes through my blog. It is one of the gifts from God that I cherish most and I am so humbled that it has been able to lift your spirit from time to time. Thank you so much for this comment, Rachel.
WOW Becky! Thank you for sharing. There is so much I want to say and share, but I’m not going to here. I’m glad you found some to love you the way you deserve. Stay strong.
Thank you so much, Rhonda. If you ever feel like saying or sharing more in private, you can always send me an e-mail!